Wasting Time Weighing The Weather

The following Reuters news story triggered an involuntary facial twitch I haven’t felt in a while.

“Landmark Communications said on Thursday it was exploring the sale of its publishing and television businesses including cable network The Weather Channel. Privately held Landmark wants more than $5 billion for The Weather Channel and its Web site, according to a New York Times report.”

“The Weather Channel reaches more than 95 million households in the United States and its Web site is one of the most heavily travelled. With 32 million unique visits a day, it has more hits than Facebook or MySpace.” The National Post

The amount of time and mental energy focused on spectating and anticipating weather in this country is a never-ending source of personal frustration and befuddlement. I never knew how bad it was. $5 billion dollars, that’s how bad. That’s how much those five minutes of your attention are worth on every local, national, and international nightly news station. That unmissable five minutes hosted by a woman of demographically tested and approved looks, tucked between your local high school football recap and the idiotic animal related personal interest story.

Travelers and the very unfortunate who get in Weather’s angry path have a bone fide reason to use this service. But besides them who watches The Weather Channel? 97% of this country wakes up in a house, walks into a garage, gets into a car (many of which could glide through five foot tall rushing streams), drives to various other roofed structures, then back into a car, repeat, repeat, repeat. If it’s cold outside wear a jacket. If it’s raining take an umbrella. A thermometer / barometer combo placed right outside your window not only displays the temperature but also helps you make the crucial determination of whether there’s a HIGH or LOW pressure system afoot (Big red “H” and big Blue “L”). For the the FULL effect attach a magazine cutout of some buxom blond or slick back haired tan guy.

You know what? Go ahead and watch your stupid channel but PLEASE stop annoying me with all the inane weather chatter at work. I am FULLY aware how cold it is outside. It’s January in New York City and we both walked into the same building within minutes of each other. How could I not know?

Koppenhaver's Precept of (Un)Attractiveness

- Circa 1999 -

The setting was pretty common for a Sunday afternoon in Ithaca. A group of guys lounging on the porch of a soon-to-be condemned house slouched over tattered 1940s era furniture in their underwear. It's a photograph that rarely makes it to the final press of college brochures but one of the few images I can vividly remember from those four years on the hill. We partook in the age old tradition of attaching meaning to our lives by ways of inane and pointless conversation. The gawking of passersby brought up the regionally important "Why are there so few attractive women in Ithaca?" conundrum, a subject of conversation that came up at least once a day. Normally the issue was put forth, met by a few nods of agreement, and then left quietly undisputed. But that day Ithaca's most disappointing truth turned into something different. Something important.

WK was a freckly fine arts major armed with a fiery, outspoken demeanor. His artistic tendencies provided well-needed contrast to the pragmatic white collar aspirations of his housemates. But on that afternoon he set down his paintbrush and unbeknownst to him, began speaking like a doctorate in sociology. He started outlining qualitative evidence for his theory that the people of the world, not just Ithacan women, were generally unattractive. His accompanying numerical rating system, which I've dubbed Koppenhaver's Precept of (Un)Attractiveness, accurately fit this dim outlook for aesthetic beauty.

Scienticians are always building models for the purpose of fitting and predicting observed data. A normally distributed set of data, also known as The Bell Curve, is one of statistics' most recognizable assertions. In a normal distribution a majority of observed data is grouped around the mean (or average) with fewer and fewer data points symmetrically trailing off in either direction. For example, if you asked a group of American Caucasian males their height you'd likely find the results to be normally distributed, with most respondents grouped around the average answer of 5'9" and very few people registering below 5'0" or above 6'6". If you charted the results of this survey you'd see a bell shape resembling this chart's blue line (vertical Y axis = % of people who responded within the corresponding height range, horizontal X axis = height). But not everything fits neatly inside a bell shaped normal distribution. The also popular lognormal distribution is defined by more parameters, making its asymmetric shape capable of fitting other complex natural and sociological phenomena. A good example of this distribution is American annual incomes. From a range of $0 to $1,000,000,000 it's not hard to imagine many data points gathered around $40-50k with fewer and fewer points trailing off towards higher sums. The red line on the chart shows a generic lognormal distribution that would resemble the graphed results of this data set (vertical Y axis = % of people who responded within the corresponding annual income range, horizontal X axis = annual incomes).

WK's simple yet poignant assertion is that human attractiveness, much like American annual incomes, is described by a lognormal distribution, not normally as is commonly believed. The classic method of rating one's attractiveness is by use of the simple zero to ten scale with ten being the most attractive. Without giving it much thought people typically gravitate towards a normally distributed scale, assigning ratings that have a central tendency around the middle grade of five. In WK's distribution a five should consider a career in modeling. According to Koppenhaver's Precept of (Un)Attractiveness most people register in the two to three range, with exponentially fewer people occupying slots approaching ten. "I've never actually seen a seven in person, and a perfect ten probably doesn't exist," he asserted that afternoon.

From that point on I decided to adopt this rating methodology. Fortunately, the superficial exercise of attractiveness rating comes up less and less often as you get older. Imagine having to explain to your girlfriend why a rating of four out of ten is actually quite flattering! After logging almost eight years in New York City I now wonder if I've ever seen an eight or a nine in the flesh. Whenever I overhear someone make a comment like “She’s a perfect ten,” or “He’s just a six, nothing special,” I think back to that sunny Sunday and laugh.

The Deal Breaker Files: American Cheese

When you've been patronizing from the same work cafeteria for eight years certain things besides desired cuisine begin to affect your lunchtime decisions. It all seemed so vast at the beginning: Indian steam tray buffets, panini pressers galore, depressive sushi chef prepared California rolls, whack-a-mole style soup garrisons, and the grill. The multitude of stations that once provided mood fulfillment and taste bud choice now all appear as one amorphous corporate alternative to the never ending make-your-own salad empires of midtown Manhattan. Before I might have chose the grill to satisfy a greasy protein craving but now I meander towards the line to observe Ferdie, the most skilled and dedicated worker in the kitchen. His spirits are mysteriously beyond the work's obvious drudgery. He completes the most seemingly inane tasks, like the setting of two cooked egg whites on rye toast, with a level of previously unimaginable precision.

My reason for entering the deli line last Tuesday was different. A woman who I sporadically fancy from afar was standing at the back of the line with her friend. When it became her turn to order I rotated my head 20 degrees counterclockwise in order to better hear what she had decided. In a slightly annoying tri-state area accent she blurted out "Ham and cheese on wheat toast." When the server asked her what kind of cheese the woman paused, visually took in her neatly stacked options sitting behind the germ protected glass pane, and calmly replied "American cheese, please." American cheese!?! Kraft Singles?!? My heart sank. I couldn't believe that she had overtly made such an obviously poor decision. It will never be the same between us. I could never fancy a woman who preferred American cheese over other less processed and more flavorful cheeses no matter what the circumstance.

Add it to The Deal Breaker Files.

Unmalleable Breakfast

The icon of The Great American Wall Street Trader is routinely glorified, demonized, envied, castigated, heralded, and morally cast down. Journalistic tee-ball pieces detailing exorbitant year-end bonuses and the splurges of charity and luxury that ensue are becoming more commonplace as the 2008 political dissension of Wall Street vs. Main Street escalates. But how many of these angered Main Street Americans, who routinely elevate these stories to "Yahoo most emailed" status, really understand the capitalist combine that threshes seemingly random numbers into gold? Maybe if people realized how demanding these jobs REALLY were they'd be more lenient on what might only SEEM like oversized paydays. The note below, distributed by a senior Wall Street trader inside their institution during market hours, affords us a tiny glimpse into high level conversations taking place behind the gilded gates of a top tier investment bank. I challenge anyone to find an anecdote that more accurately summarizes the intellectual rigors that power our economy.

Real names and locations have been omitted.

>>
OKAY, HERE IS THE DEAL:

EVERY DAY JOHNNY OFFERSIDE ORDERS BREAKFAST FOR A COUPLE GUYS ON THE DESK. RIGHT NOW I AM ONE OF THOSE GUYS. I WOULD LIKE TO STOP RECIEVING MY BREAKFAST ORDER, BUT JOHNNY ALLOWS NO CHANGES TILL THE END OF THE YEAR. EITHER HE, OR THE DELI COULD NOT HANDLE EVEN THE MOST MINOR OF CHANGES. THAT SAID, I AM ALLOWED TO FIND A REPLACEMENT. THIS IS MY DAILY ORDER: EGG WHITES, BACON, WHEAT TOAST AND A BANANA. MY SHARE IS $20 A WEEK. IS ANYONE ON THE 5TH FLOOR, SOUTH SIDE OF 666 WALL STREET, INTERESTED IN TAKING MY SPOT? IT IS GOOD TILL THE END OF THE YEAR, AND I WILL SUBSIDIZE WITH A ONE TIME $20 CASH PAYMENT.

STEVE BIDDLEBACK
<<

Favorite Music of 2007

Favorite Album Releases of 2007
1. The Clientele - God Save The Clientele
2. Shout Out Louds - Our Ill Wills
3. World's End Girlfriend - Hurtbreak Wonderland
4. The National - Boxer
5. Blonde Redhead - 23
6. Menomena - Friend and Foe
7. Richard Hawley - Lady's Bridge
8. Cinematic Orchestra - Ma Fleur
9. Sally Shapiro - Disco Romance
10. Explosions In The Sky - All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone

Other Much Liked Albums
The Fiery Furnaces, Great Lake Swimmers, Justice, Hauschka, Keren Ann, Mum, The Rosebuds, Lucky Soul, Simian Mobile Disco, Of Montreal, My Teenage Stride, Matthew Shipp, The 1900s, Lymbyc System, The Field, Jens Lekman, Aesop Rock, Andrew Bird, Maps, Mice Parade

Favorite Album Cover
Efterklang - Under Giant Trees

Favorite Lyrical Verse
"Do you really think you can just put in a safe behind a painting lock it up and leave...?"
The National - Start a War

Favorite Bedtime Album
Japancakes - Loveless

Favorite Song
Of Montreal - Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

Velvet Rope Scars

The below note was written by a friend (who will remain anonymous) in response to a query for "upper crust" nightlife recommendations. A sad, hilarious, and telling commentary on a slice of New York nightlife written by one who isn't famous, connected, attractive, or female enough to wander carelessly through bouncer protected gates.

>>>>>>

K:

You may want to also forward this commentary to your friend.

These pearls of wisdom do not come from any innate hipness I possess, but from brute-force trial and error over the years in the NYC bar/lounge/club scene.

1) Unless you are going to a private party, very little is happening in NYC until **after** 11pm. Some of the hottest places don't even open up their doors until 11pm. Most places peak around 2:30am and tend to peter out by 3:30am. That being said, if you can get into a good place before 11pm it may make sense to just grab a few drinks in a relaxed setting (albeit devoid of girls) until it becomes more populated. This strategy will work at almost all places with the exception of the Rose Bar @ The Gramercy Park Hotel and other X-Level establishments where they will sweep out the Riff-Raff at 11pm.

2) Bottle Service: If it is within your budget this will work wonders in two dimensions: it will maker it infinitely easier to get into any of the hot places (especially as we may be on the precipice of a economic recession) AND more importantly it gives you a Home Base of Operations. This Home Base is very important for several reasons in that it enables you to have a secure seating area in the VIP area and serves as an attractive lure for a particular type of woman. The VIP is not Nirvana, it does not make you smarter, better looking or more witty. But it is less crowded place and extremely easy to invite people back there.

The bottle is approx $400 all-in per bottle of liquor (with tip and tax). That price will not change much from bar-to-bar. Having the table and bottle is the surest path to a fun-night (I know its unimaginative, but it works) and you can be creative with forming your own little party within a party. (ie you, your friends and 6 Norweigian Airline Stewardess, etc).

Most clubs have a minimum botle requirement for a group of people depnding on the guy/girl ratio.
Here are a few permutations of the bottle requirements for both an "A" level bar and a "B" level bar (with A being more popular). "X" level bars have been omitted.

Two guys
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 1 bottle

Two guys one girl
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 1 bottle

Three guys
A-Level: 2-3 bottles
B-Level: 1-2 bottles

Two guys Two girls
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 2 bottles

Two guys Three girls
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 2 bottles

Remember if you are buying bottles and inviting guests to your table, be sure to budget approx one extra bottle per every 3 people getting the table as the guests will certainly want a drink and it may take a few iterations to find the correct group of guests to stay for the duration.

Examples of A level clubs: Bungaloo 8, Marquee , Cain, Tenjune, Socialista
Examples of B level Clubs: Home, Guest House, PM

Yoga Pop: Volume 4

Designed to play for the duration of a 75 minute vinyasa practice.

Song. Artist. Album
(Order is important / Time crops noted)

1. Hymn 1. Eluvium. Copia
2. Introductory Nomenclature. Telefon Tel Aviv. Fahrenheit Fair Enough
3. Crystalnight. Alpinestars. White Noise
4. Fall Bicycle. Lymbyc System. Love Your Abuser
5. Wooo. Vitalic. Ok Cowboy
6. Don't Give Up. The Whitest Boy Alive. Dreams
7. Useless Information. Apparat. Walls
8. Ghost of a Horse Under The Chandelier. World's End Girlfriend. Hurtbreak Wonderland (4:50.7)
9. Sincetta. Plaid. Double Figure
10. Valentine. Justice. Cross
11. Forgive. Burial. Burial
12. Stretch (You Are Alright). Tortoise. It's All Around You
13. The Light. White Magic. Dat Rosa Mel Apibus
14. Soul. Spacemen 3. Take Me To The Other Side
15. Winter (What We Never Were After All). Mum. Go Go Smear The Poison Ivy
16. Space Fertilizer. M83. Digital Shades Volume 1
17. Goodnight. Triosk. Moment Returns

Autumn Two Week Staycation To-Do's

1. Decode the ins-and-outs of all entrances/exits at the Union Square subway station.
2. Ride bike from Manhattan to Astoria to Coney Island to Manhattan.
3. Replace certain drinking glasses with a set from Bodum.
4. Buy a FIRM mattress without getting hoodwinked.
5. Attend a Christie's art auction dressed like a collector.
6. Drink mulled apple cider at least once each day.
7. Attend five concerts, two art benefits, and two Halloween parties.
8. Read the 2 foot stack of magazines that's piled up on my counter.
9. Figure out how to re-brush and re-coat an old steel desk.
10. Ride around the City on the top level of a red double decker tour bus while listening to "Strange Geometry" by The Clientele.
11. Go apple picking upstate with B.C. and L.P.
12. ??????

Stop Asking Me What I Think About The Economy...

I've already told you, it's about to suck.

Oh, and look at this CHART.

Mops 'R Us,
KH

Jumping Monkey Cocktail Recipe

This is a recipe I adapted from a cocktail served to me at Perry Street Restaurant during the spring of 2006. 

Naming credit: Christina Frayne

Ingredients:
Kentucky Bourbon
Serrano peppers
Granulated sugar
Brown sugar (optional)
Passion Fruit Juice

Making the Syrup:
The quantities I use in this example should make enough syrup for many drinks (15+). The extra syrup should be cooled and stored at room temperature in a glass jar. Other types of peppers can be used to vary the taste and heat level - Thai chili, Jalapeno, and Habanero (hot!) all work well.

1. Bring 3 cups of water to a rolling boil in a medium sauce pan.
2. Add 5-7 roughly chopped whole Serrano peppers. Boil gently for 2-3 minutes.
3. Drain out the peppers and discard. Pour the water back in the pan under low/medium heat.
4. Completely dissolve 1 1/2 - 2 cups of sugar into the water. Note that the traditional balance for simple syrup is two parts sugar to one part water. I prefer to use less sugar for this particular drink.

Making the Drink:
2 parts Bourbon.
1 to 2 parts syrup depending on desired sweetness.
8 parts passion fruit juice.

Combine ingredients in a Cobbler Shaker with ice. Shake and serve in a chilled double old fashioned glass. Granulated or brown sugar rim if you like that sorta thing.